Pain Tolerance by Katie Brown

Hello! My name is Katie, I am involved in Church due to my friendship with
Monika and the good vibes/needed vibes. I work in social services, currently in a
residential care facility which to put it simply 24/hr care for individuals affected
with complex mental health issues and developmental disabilities. I have been on
a recovery journey for just over six years now. It ebbs and flows much like the
rest of life, I have a lot of trauma. I have struggled with addictions both to
substances and behaviours (self harm being a huge one) for many, many of the
years I have been alive. I still struggle with myself a lot, and I have been trying to
write more because it’s always been an outlet to me. So that being said, it does
tend to have a rather sad undertone to it – because it is catharsis but afterwards I
always feel lighter and more “sane.” My mind is less chaotic I suppose… much
like yoga and music. Sometimes you need all three, together.

Anyway. These are just some of my thoughts I needed to get out a couple of
times, I thought it would be good to format them together. I suppose the reason I
like to share these things is in the hope it will open up “the conversation” a bit
more – and perhaps someone will find it relatable and not feel quite so alone.

Side note: This was written in two separate sittings in about a 1-2 week span. I
mushed them together because I wanted to.

I don’t even know where to begin.

It was March just yesterday, not it’s October and the leaves are falling.
at least the leaves still fall

I’m at a time in my life where I am acutely aware of my vulnerability – and very
quick to put up those walls.

People tell me my empathy is “beautiful” but it is also one of the qualities I
possess that brings me the most turmoil. I like my sleep more when I don’t remember my dreams, just black. empty. silence.

I am still feeling a need for constant sedation in some form, am I heightened or is
everyone else just numb?

I like the moments when the pain subsides, and I can enjoy some of the beautiful
things in life again – instead of focusing on what I am missing. Unfortunately,
these moments can be fleeting. Perhaps I need to stop trying to dictate the process

I guess sometimes exposure therapy works. It is jarring, but I am learning now
when I need to walk away. I’ve always been the type to “stick it out” and glorify
those precious moments because they. are. irreplaceable. – and I’m afraid to
lose them; I feel like they’ll be gone forever, and I’ll be left empty.

My pain tolerance grows as I do.

Sometimes (often) I accept a situation I know isn’t going to benefit me in hopes
that what I contribute and receive will be enough.

That I will be enough.

It’s also been difficult for me to accept that my journey has been in many ways a
solitary one for the past 5 years. I lose my mind constantly. I utilise poor coping strategies that typically only harm me further and push others away – as well as further removing me from myself. I am realizing that although I have many things “going for” me in life I still feel a
crushing sense of loneliness and isolation I am reminded of every night when I fall asleep alone again.


A nagging part of my mind wonders if I met my person, but he disappeared 3
years ago. It gets longer and lonelier every time. Another part of me likes to think that my person wouldn’t do that to me. I try to make new connections but there is always something off about every. one. I make that end up just hurting me more and then I find myself thinking about [them] again.

I don’t know if that “means something” or if I just miss the feeling of total safety
and intense connection. But: I’ve stopped trying to dictate the process, I am learning acceptance – what is worth fighting for and when to just let it go.

I also write my own blog, very sporadically… I tend to transfer journal entries into
there or sometimes I just go ham. It’s called word vomit and is if anyone would like to read any of my other rants.